I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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