I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
