wakey wakey hands off snakey
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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