He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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