Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
