Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
