when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
