Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
