I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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