We're like a lot better than the average bears
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
