Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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