Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
