He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
