I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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