"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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