I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
