you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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