So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
