Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
