god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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