Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
