You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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