I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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