Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
