He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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