I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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