Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
