if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
