I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
