listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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