Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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