This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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