is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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