Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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