Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
