I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
