so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
