it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
