Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
