If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
