i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
