Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
