If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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