I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
