Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
