Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
