I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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