Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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