my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
