at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
