Soap is not a condiment
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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