ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
