Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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