dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
