i think my tv is drunk
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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