So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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