We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
