Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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