Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
