I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
