O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
