I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
