I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
