Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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