checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize