I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
